John Gottman’s FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

1.      Criticism:

Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong:

Generalizations: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why are you so …”

2.   Contempt:

Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her:

• Insults and name-calling: “bitch, bastard, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy…”
• Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery
• Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip

3.      Defensiveness:

Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack:

• Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”

• Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said

 

• Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …” “I did this because you did that…”

• Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing

• Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying

• Whining “It’s not”

4.      Stonewalling:

Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness:

• Stony silence
• Monosyllabic mutterings
• Changing the subject
• Removing yourself physically
• Silent Treatment

Remedies:

• Learn to make specific complaints & requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I want Z)

• Conscious communication: Speaking the unarguable truth & listening generously

• Validate your partner (let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes)

• Shift to appreciation (5 times as much positive feeling & interaction as negative)

• Claim responsibility: “What can I learn from this?” & “What can I do about it?”

• Re-write your inner script (replace thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimization with thoughts of appreciation, responsibility that are soothing & validating)

• Practice getting undefended (allowing your partner’s utterances to be what they really are: just thoughts and puffs of air) and let go of the stories that you are making up

© Bob & Marlene Neufeld and Mary Ann Carmichael, 2005; www.marleneandbob.com based on Gottman, John. 1994. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail